The Big Fat ‘Punjabi’ Wedding!

“Be ready to attend your brother’s wedding in Mohali (Punjab). And keep in mind that I don’t want any of your dim-witted excuses for not attending the nuptials,” roared my otherwise poised mom while I was at my usual best state of – nothingness! <br><br>
Sitting in my track pants with a matching but oversized Converse T-shirt, I was lazing on the futon with my legs resting on the table, close to the messy Sunday newspapers with Kareena smiling coyly towards me (sorry Saifu!). A half-filled cup of tea and mortal remains of a freshly devoured sandwich were placed at the untidy table and I was perfunctorily surfing TV channels. <br><br>
As if the great Einstein was disturbed just at the time when he was about to unravel the mysteries behind E=MC2, a livid me shot back in full force, “Look, I can’t promise unless I check with my boss.” <br><br>
Though nothing much happened during the day, but by the time it was twilight, I realized that it has been almost a decade since I last went to my hometown in the state of Punjab, and added to it, I was a bit ashamed of talking boorishly with my mom. At last I made up my mind to mend my ways and comply with the wishes of my mother by attending my first cousin’s marriage. <br><br>
With the D-day just around the corner, I was simply thrilled after getting an approval for weeklong holidays (I owe this to my ‘benevolent’ boss as well as ‘caring’ colleagues). A rapturous me bid goodbye to my workplace and set forth for the big fat Punjabi wedding. <br><br>
For somebody, who is born and brought up in Delhi (probably will die as a ‘Delhiite’ too), visiting Punjab was altogether an invigorating experience except a few glitches – firstly, I am someone who is hardy social and secondly, terribly bad when it comes to meeting long-lost relatives. Believe me, for a laconic chap, it can be a great handicap especially when mirthful and gregarious Punjabis surround you. <br><br>
Okay, I know quite a few aunts and uncles besides a handful of boisterous cousins, beyond that nobody else really. Had I been a kid, I would have stuck around my parents, but at twenty six err…, you are terribly mature and on top of it, if you are single, it can be all the more severe! So herein I share few excerpts from the diary of a perfect bachelor at a Big Fat Punjabi wedding…. <br><br>
<b>Day 1:</b> Arrived at 4 PM in Mohali…feeling tired, sleepy and a bit lost! Probably, met all my relatives and bumped into a few cousins (right from a 2 year old tot to as ‘old’ as me). The weather was fine and breezy and I hoped to enjoy my stay in Punjab. A revelation - ever since I arrived, have been conversing in chaste Punjabi….Eureka! <br><br>
<b>Three hours later: </b>Had a bath and ready for ‘jaago’ – a traditional custom of Punjab, where the whole family of bridegroom stays awake till the wee hours of morning before the wedding night. For the unawares, ‘jaago’is celebrated with great gusto where women folk roam around carrying an earthen pot on their head, which is lighted with ‘diyas’. Frankly speaking, it’s a way of waking up half-asleep people and making them dance in middle of the night! In Delhi, a bachelor’s party with brazen chicks clad in minis on a drinking binge will do the needful! Dressed to kill, all of us joined the procession, where we burnt crackers and danced incessantly to the beats of DJ and Dhol… Phew, can’t remember the last time I danced for hours! <br><br>
With almost twenty cousins on the dance floor, there was hardly any space left for the seniors to shake a leg. So they just threw notes and flashed smiles at the shutterbugs! <br><br>
In Punjab, it’s not Bollywood or Hip Hop but ‘Bhangra’ that rules the roost, especially the ‘naagin’ dance. With Bacchus ruling my cousins and uncles, who were hell bent on making the late ‘King of Pop’ Michael Jackson proud in his grave, the whole celebration went on till 1:00 am in the morning. The bridegroom was not a part of it, though. You may think why, well, as per tradition, the bridegroom can celebrate his last day of bachelorhood with family and friends, but is not permitted to leave the home. I approached the groom to ask, “How are you feeling?” “I am still struggling to come to terms with this new found reality,” muttered a quivering voice! <br><br>
‘Hmm…reality bites man…poor chap…gone too soon, thank God I am safe,’ said a naïve me while licking my fingers off the last bit of ‘jalebi’ from my platter! <br><br>
<b>Day 2: </b>Getting ready for bridegroom’s ‘shagun’! Lately, I have found one thing about my relatives – when it comes to dressing, men can give women a serious run for their money as the former love changing dresses as many times as the latter! <br><br>
Now where were my shoes? Who was wearing them? <br><br>
Okay, finally I found one and there was the second one – ducked under the ‘diwan’ with a pair of sandals- my shoes are as romantic as me! <br><br>
‘Shagun’ is a lavish chain of ceremonies where family members and friends from both the sides (groom and bridegroom) gather to exchange pleasantries and customary souvenirs. <br><br>
Once again, with the ‘panditji’ done with mouthing of ‘shlokas’, it was time to party and we assembled on the dance floor. Hmm… imagine the fate of a vegan competing with drunken cousins in free-style wingding! <br><br>
<b>Day 2, afternoon: </b>Post the ‘shagun’ ceremony, almost all seniors call it a day and start preparing for the gala wedding whereas ‘the young and the restless’ were hell bent upon having unadulterated fun at the expense of quixotic ones. In Punjab, nothing beats best than hurling a full-throated Punjabi abuse seasoned with country humour. Censorship is a big issue here, lest I wouldn’t mind sharing a few bawdy ones. <br><br>
“It’s almost my second day and I have not read any newspapers. Can I get something to read?” I said to one of my younger cousins. He made a dash towards the home and returned with a copy of ‘Khushwant Singh’s Joke Book’! Voila! <br><br>
The evening was followed by another dose of wholesome amusement. In the ‘baraat,’ bridegroom looked resplendent in his golden-maroon ‘sherwani’. My tipsy uncles and cousins were busy displaying their antics before a frightened ‘ghodi’ while boogying to Bollywood numbers played on a brass band. With ‘pheras’ a matter of few hours away, I once again bumped into the groom inside the lavatory and enquired for the last time – “What exactly are your feelings now?” “I am done bro, finally relieved,” said the groom while breaking into a confused smile. Ahem, I hope that ‘relieved’ had more to do with nature’s call rather than the conjugal bliss – if blissful at all! <br><br>
“Agla tera number hai, tu bhi tayaar ho ja,” said one of my octogenarian uncle who drinks like a fish. ‘Hanji,’ I said while breaking into a sheepish smile and disappearing into the shadows of night with my strawberry ice cream… <br><br>
<b>Day 3: </b>Finally my cousin was married and the bride looked like a ravishing beauty! We were all tired…. our throats sore, courtesy umpteen rounds of colas and munchies. The evening marked the last round of festivity - reception. I was down with a bad stomach yet raring to go for another round of merriment! At 7:30 pm the banquet hall looked at its splendid best. Decked with sweet smelling flowers, one found a lavish spread of Chinese, Indian, Mughlai and Continental cuisine besides a well stocked bar! In spite of such abundance, I showed austerity and settled down for a cup of soup and wrapped it all with a cappuccino. <br><br>
A relaxed countenance can conceal all, be it a loose stomach or an empty heart, particularly when you are in the company of beautiful women exchanging sweet nothings! The agony of ecstasy was as severe as that of ‘Vishvamitra’ before ‘Menaka.’ <br><br>
<b>Day 4: </b>It was my last day at my cousin’s place. For the past four days, I was an inseparable part of his household. From a reserved Delhi boy to a Punjabi rabble-rouser, the transition was complete! <br><br>
Feeling a bit pained at the very thought of leaving Mohali - a city to which till yesterday I was a complete stranger. I guess there is something extraordinary in Punjab; it is so pristine that once you step into it, you are simply blown away by its naïveté. People here are affable and glow with munificence and honesty. Before leaving for Delhi, I bade goodbye to my cousin and his gorgeous wife, and paid respect to all elders. Getting emotional now, time to wrap up…would love to visit them again…my Punjab!